I don't know, I don't know how to live with the twisting feeling of despair in my gut.  This is worse than last time, when I went home over the winter vacation.  Maybe because my friends weren't here till the last minute, helping me, distracting me.  I can't sleep.  I doubt that I'll get much real sleep over the next several weeks either.  I've never been able to sleep in that house.  And it's worse now, because on top of all that I miss the gentle rhythm of breathe from across the room.

Getting ready to leave scares me, scares me half to death.  I can't stand it.  My room that was almost too cluttered to stand in is almost empty now.  I glance at the clock, 2:30 am, less than half a day till I'm in the car, on the way back.  Back to that.  Emotional torture.  I don't know how I'll be able to stand it.

I need someone to save me, because I can't save myself.  I need someone to hold me together, because I'm falling to pieces.  And there is nothing, no one there for me to grab onto before this maelstrom drowns me in its violence.

My heart aches, every little thing comes back.  I can't quite hold back the tears.  But the only one still here doesn't know how to deal with it, really can't deal with it.  And I can't deal with it alone.  I need to run, hit, break things, shatter the world, then maybe the feeling through my chest of gripping fear will subside.

I can hold a perfectly decent conversation with them.  It takes me every ounce of willpower that I possess.  I can't look either of them in the eye.  I can't take it alone, at least part of the time, I have to.  Where are my friends when I need them.  Where is everything that I need to be there, more importantly, where is everyone.

Oh, I know where they are, and it's by no means their fault that they can't be there.  And I know that they care, and that should be enough.  But it isn't, it isn't, It Isn't!  I'm twisted in more knots than I can count, and my scars are bright tonight.  I want to shed them, but every moment that passes brings me closer to what will bring more lines of Silver across my mind.

I'm broken, and I don't know how to fix me.